WHELM - Human - I WANT TO LOVE MY BODY!
I have always felt like a human that didn’t fit into a specific category. Trying to figure out life as a human in this world is difficult. At least for me. I enjoy all types of music (except opera) I’m sorry, I can’t do it. Maybe while watching it in a play but to just listen to it, hard pass. My go-to songs are usually R&B throwbacks, but I love a good classic rock, Spanish, country, or pop song. I even listened to those hardcore songs where the lead singer is screaming who knows what and it sounds like his vocal cords are going to give out at any second. I can thank my mom’s ex-husband for that. Did I enjoy it in the moment? Kind of. Would I listen to it on my own? Not a chance.
I never wanted a certain career. I HATED going to school. I couldn’t even count how many school days I missed in high school. I lucked out because it was during the time my mom was going through a hard divorce (sorry mom I took full advantage in a time of need). I wasn’t in sports. I tried cheerleading in middle school which you guys know how that went. I went to volleyball and track warmups where I threw up at both and never made it to tryouts. I didn’t go to high school football games. Although I used to be envious of the students whose parents’ pushed sports on them and helped them fill out college scholarships and tour campuses with them. I remember Emilio and I toured a couple colleges ourselves and we were the only ones without our parents hovering over us. We jokingly called one of the dads there “Pops” and acted like he cared what college and career path we decided on. In a weird way it gave me comfort in that moment.
I didn’t care much for homecomings or prom. I went prom dress shopping with my best friend Liv at the time and her mom, Melanie, who made me care. It was a day I’ll never forget. Mel took us both out of school early and drove us to Columbus. She kept telling me to try on dresses and which ones she thought would look best for my physique. I wanted so badly to have a mom like Mel. She was one-of-a-kind and I will forever remember her. She passed away in 2018 and her memory will forever live on in my heart.
Back to the career part. I was always back and forth with what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an actor, a social worker, a nurse, a veterinarian, a psychologist, who knows what else. I tried college, hated it. My mind jumping around what career path I wanted to take didn’t help. The thought of working a 9-5 job for the majority of my life made me nauseous. That’s when entrepreneurship took over and I launched my first business in 2019 then a completely different one in 2021, hello SpreadLaLuz.
I was never a tomboy, I guess up until becoming a mother I was more of a girly girl. When Emilio and I were dating and engaged I would take HOURS to get ready. I’m talking full face of makeup, hair did, nails did, everythang did. Although I never really felt like I was beautiful, and I think that’s why it took me so long to try to “perfect” myself. When I look in the mirror, I see my nose and big teeth. Thanks to braces my teeth are now straight (take that middle school bullies) but they’re still big. I don’t have hours to get myself ready now as a mom. I never loved myself or my body. As a teenager I was too skinny, and my Hispanic side would make comments on how I needed to eat more. Then I became an adult and grew curves that I hated. I hated them because men would comment on them, and they would make me feel ugly. I always looked up to the actresses, singers, and models in magazines and on tv. They were all so beautiful. Even now when I’m out with my husband and see a gorgeous woman, I think to myself “Emilio is definitely questioning why he chose me when he could have someone like her.” The other day we were out, and I don’t even know if he realized but there was a beautiful woman with her hair done, makeup done, nails done, and a shit ton of perfume on, but it smelled heavenly, and there I was looking like a stale potato sweating because Vera was on the verge of a full-blown tantrum.
I’m currently pregnant with our second child and while I feel so lucky to be growing a second human, I hate my body even more. Everything is stretching again, my boobs are huge and not in a good attractive way like they are on tv, my stretch marks from my first pregnancy are back, I feel like I smell like urine since I constantly have to pee because this child is right above my vagina. I hate that I compare myself to other women and how I feel like I will never be pretty enough for the world or my beautiful husband. Is this where my daddy issues come into play again? Is this because of society’s beauty standards? I wish I knew the exact answer so I could fix it because dammit I WANT TO LOVE MY BODY! I want to love it not only for myself but for my daughter. I never want her looking in the mirror thinking "I hate this." I was putting on my eyebrows the other day because I always say once they're on, I go from a 4 to a solid 7. Vera, my daughter, comes up to me right before I start and says, "Mama you're so pretty, no makeup." I cried. I'm tearing up from replaying her sweet voice in my head. I made a promise to myself that I will no longer cry in the mirror or tear apart my appearance around her. I am still working on not doing it when I'm alone.
I say all this and then I think about how big the universe is and how I’m just a tiny speckle that will die off eventually. All the stress we come across in our lives as humans when there is so much, we don’t even know. It’s hard. Life is crazy. I wonder why I was made into a human and not into a dog or even a spider. Would a dog care that it had thick thighs? Would a spider question why it has eight legs? I’m leaning towards no. Ugh. To be a human.
WHELM- Wife, Human, Entrepreneur, Latina, Mother
Entrepreneur blog will be up tomorrow, 9/14 at Noon EST!