WHELM - Mother - Our Girl
I’m already crying starting this blog. Becoming a mother to my daughter, Vera, is by far the proudest most beautiful part of my existence. I became pregnant with her right after I married Emilio. She was a total surprise. We had a destination wedding, and I forgot to bring my birth control, but the ONE time (I know that’s all it takes but still) we got pregnant. I had a few pregnancy scares when we first started living together but I never expected to get pregnant when I did. I was scared. BEYOND scared. We were dirt broke. I started an office job and Emilio was struggling with his mental health. We were in no shape ready to become parents. I remember telling someone all of this and their response was “why didn’t you get an abortion?” In case anyone else is thinking that reading this, as much as we weren’t prepared, we wanted our child and I’ve never regretted the decision having her. She made us get our act together and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
My pregnancy flew by and now being pregnant with our second child, my first pregnancy was a breeze. I did struggle with accepting the changes that were happening to my body. My boobs became HUGE and hurt like hell. Stretchmarks appeared on my sides and in between my thighs. Women influencers that were pregnant at the same time would post their glowing bodies and looked so flawless which made me feel even crappier.
Then I had our sweet girl. Exactly on my due date, she arrived. My world completely changed. There she was. This beautiful, innocent, little being with her entire life ahead of her. Nothing prepares you for parenthood. I think back now on how poor we were and even if we had all the money in the world, a huge house, paid for all the parent-to-be classes, we still wouldn’t have been fully prepared. Maybe if we were rich enough to hire a nanny (lol) that would’ve helped but then again, probably not. I remember bringing her home from the hospital and me and Emilio looking at each other like, “well…now what?”
Emilio stepped completely out of his comfort zone and started his career with a newer company at the time. He instantly handled the position as if he was in it for years. He helped grow the company into what it is now. I’m so proud of him. He works his ass off and is the best father to Vera. She adores him and I’m so lucky to have him as her dada.
It made sense for me to stay home full-time. If I would’ve kept an office job, my paycheck plus some of Emilio’s would have gone towards daycare or a nanny. It was hard. Still is. I envied (still do at times) Emilio for being able to get out and socialize every day with adults. I facetime my mom probably eighty-three times in a day so I’m not just communicating with a bossy toddler all day, every day. I text Emilio random things throughout the day like “Vera ate seven strawberries today instead of the six she usually eats.” Or “Vera pooped twice already; I pooped once.” There isn’t enough talk about how lonely it is being a stay-at-home mom. I know how lucky I am to be, but I also know how lonely I’ve been. Sometimes when Emilio gets home, I go for a drive just to have a little quiet time. This is also why I started a business, so I didn’t drive myself crazy. Now balancing being a full-time mom as well as a business owner, cray to the cray!
Being a mother is terrifying. I’ve never known anxiety like I do now as a mom. I never thought about death as much as I do now as a mom. I’m scared of the fact that I will die one day, and Vera will be without me. I hope it’s when she’s an old old lady, although I can’t stop stressing myself out that it will happen way before then. The thought of her being on her own one day in the world makes me so sad. I joke with Emilio about how I will be her dorm roommate if she goes to college. I hate the thought of men sexualizing her body one day, her getting her first heartbreak, someone being mean to her, her ever feeling like she’s worthless or alone, the thoughts are endless. The worrying is endless. I love her so much that my heart feels like it will burst one day. I tell her every night about how beautiful, strong, and smart she is. How she will change the world. How I hope nothing, but greatness and happiness surrounds her now and always. Motherhood, the most rewarding journey full of surprises, paranoia, and love.
WHELM- Wife, Human, Entrepreneur, Latina, Mother
Wife blog will be up Monday, 9/19 at Noon EST!