WHELM - Mother - Splitting myself into Two

   I am five months postpartum with two and while I love this new chapter of my life, it has been a struggle. Five months ago, when I was in the delivery room, I was swarmed with so many emotions. My delivery was shockingly quick. The complete opposite from when I had my firstborn. I thought I would’ve had more time in the delivery room to prepare myself mentally since it was actually happening, going from one child to two. I remember feeling anxious, excited, guilty, sad, happy, scared, all the emotions you can name.  Then I had my son. My beautiful baby boy who was so little and surprisingly calm.

   

   When we came home, the postpartum blues instantly hit harder than anything I ever experienced. I missed what was now my old life with just my husband and daughter. I felt guilty because I couldn’t nurse my son like I did with my daughter. I felt guilty because I couldn’t give my daughter my full-on attention. Everything changed for her the day we brought home her brother. My daughter has grown so much since that day, and I miss the little baby girl I once knew that needed me for every tiny thing.

   

   How do I split myself into two? How do I give both children the same attention while trying to heal and focus on myself and focus on my husband. How do I make myself feel like I am enough. “I am not enough” my mind would replay over and over again the first couple months of postpartum. It was a constant war in my head. It was putting on makeup while I wiped tears away. It was fighting the urge to cry endlessly because I didn’t want my children to see. It was putting live tv on throughout the day so I didn’t feel so isolated from the world. It was (and still is) trying to find an outfit that hides my loose postpartum skin. I felt lost. Some days I still do. If you can relate to this blog at all in some way, know that you are not alone. We all have our own battles. We never truly know what is going on with someone. What got me through those days was listening to Super Mamá’s podcast by Paulina and Bricia Lopez. I also stayed active on an app called Peanut which is for mothers all over the world to connect. There are daily live pods in there that you can join and talk and cry with other moms. For me, knowing that other women were going through what I was, at the same time, helped me drastically.

   

   Time is my enemy, and it doesn’t stop for anyone. While the days can feel long, I lay in bed at night after my chaotic day, and I look at my children and realize how quickly they are growing. Realizing this has also helped me get through my postpartum blues. One day I won’t have a mess of toys to clean, booboos I must kiss to “make them better”, and endless laundry of onesies that smell like baby vomit and shirts covered in paint and play dough. One day I won’t have to bend down to dance with my little dancing partner. One day it will be quiet again and while quiet feels nice this moment, I know come the time, I will long to have these days back.